Saturday, September 16, 2006

Dark confessions

And while I'm on the topic of my shortcomings and dark thoughts, here are some more:

I can't handle normal life. Getting a job, paying bills, and being responsible scare me to death. And when I'm scared like that I try to shut down. I can't even imagine living a normal life--working 9 to 5 in some banal job (I can't even think of a job that I would enjoy, stay motivated, and be able to do), going to parties, caring about the state of the front lawn. Sometimes I think that I'll end up being a burden on somebody: they'll go to work, pay the bills, mow the lawn. Or I'll think that I should be placed in some mental health program where I get a couple rooms, go to group therapy on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and get that wish of not being responsible. Of course I would be bored and the only high point in my life would be the banana pudding for dessert on Saturday nights, but I'd be safe and wouldn't be forced to take risks that end up with me knowing I'm weaker and inferior to other people.

I try to do and accept things that everybody else must do and accept. But sometimes I screw up. And sometimes I screw up majorly.

I am to blame for this housing situation. I missed the meeting where returning students were supposed to pick where they wanted to live. I thought it was only a "choose who you want to be roommates with" kind of thing, and since I'm so antisocial I didn't know anybody, so I didn't go, thinking I'd just be put in J building again with some random person. I could deal with that.

When I found out that I had been wait-listed for housing, I again didn't do anything. I even lied to Curtis, saying I had called the housing office, when he kept nagging me and made me promise to. I didn't. I thought that since I had screwed up that I should handle whatever housing consequences there would be. I didn't want to admit that I had screwed up and I didn't want to go to Housing and pull the "Emotionally Retarded" card to get preferential treatment.

And here I am with the weakness. Turns out I can't handle the consequences. Turns out I'm going to have to try to pull the Anxiety Disorder card out anyway. And I've made my situation a hell of a lot harder to deal with. And it's quite possible that things can't be changed to my satisfaction. Something I know I deserve, but am unsure whether my weakness will allow.

So I don't know what will happen. I don't even know what I want to happen. All I know is that I'm back at home for a couple days until I can go to the Disability Resources center and try to change things.

(Which, by the way, means that my parents' vacation to Oregon-they were supposed to leave tomorrow-is on an indefinite delay. As if I didn't feel shitty enough.)

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At 9:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was a really nice blog entry...took me kinda back to some of my old entries. Nice space u got goin here...


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