Monday, May 08, 2006

Welcome to my pity party

One comes to depressing conclusions at night. It's always around 12:30 or 1 am when I feel the desire to cry. From loneliness, from fear, from whatever. Sometimes for no particular reason at all.

I don't know why I'm here. I have no particular drive, so why am I at university spending my parents' money? College, for me, is just Limbo sometimes. I tell people, "Yeah, I'm just delaying real life," and I am. I have no clue what I want to do or how I'm going to fit into society. I'm like one of those square pegs that just won't fit into the round hole without some serious behavior modification.

And, yeah, the drugs are working just dandy, thanks for asking.

I'm emotional. I'm confused. I'm scared and unmotivated. I realize that everyone else is, but I look at society and feel like I'm missing key qualities and without them I don't have a clue how I'm going to live. I can't see myself working every day, buying groceries, paying the bills. It's not only the fact that I'm disinclined to work in a job without a sense of passion (which I still haven't found yet), but its also a combination of the fear of being confined to a role and schedule and a fear of being left adrift and alone.

And what is with this new sense of terror? I spend all my free time closed up in my tiny bedroom listening to music, reading, doing homework, writing, or watching movies. I have Curtis and a small handful of aquaintances from my classes that changes from quarter to quarter. I rarely say hello to my housemate. I spent the first month at UCSC sitting with strangers at meals and being friendly; now I always take some reading for class. It just seems like too much effort.

I don't expect any sympathy; it's my own damn fault if I'm lonely. Curtis helps, of course, as do the friends I keep in touch with online, but I'm not so selfish as to monopolize their time.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a snob with low self-esteem. Contradictory, I know, but bear with me. I automatically consider strangers I see as not worth the energy I'll expend talking to them. I know they're probably nice and intelligent and all that, but I don't see why I should expend energy and place myself in a situation with which I am not comfortable (small talk, chit-chat) when we're both going to be let down.

I'm not sure that I'm really explaining things well. I'll move on.

I've never seriously considered using drugs. I'm too much of a control freak. But lately I've been wondering whether things would be better if I experimented a bit. I'm obviously stuck in a rut. Perhaps losing control will give me a better sense of what I need to change in my life. Just an idle thought.

I'm thinking more and more that going someplace different for the summer would be a good thing. It'd force me to change my routine. I'd have to be more responsible and energized and extroverted. Maybe road tripping with people I don't know too well. Or spending a week camping alone. It's something to consider, despite my lack of funds.

...I want to do that. I'm not happy where I am and something (or several somethings) about me has gotta change. I need to challenge myself and try to figure myself out.

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