Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I have a void in my soul that can only be filled by stereotypes

I was walking back to my apartment after class when I realized that something is missing in my life.

I really, really want a trophy homie. Some tall black guy who wears those funny pantyhose things on his shaved head, walks around like he owns the place, kicks ass at basketball, and has a talent of looming ominously over (and scaring the crap outta) any guy who who seems on the verge of insulting me.

I know, you're thinking "Geez, just hire a frickin' bodyguard." Two reasons: a) I just wanna friend who's a tall black guy to hang out with and b) I don't have enough money to hire a bodyguard.

After I come to this realization, I also start sulking over the lack of a gay male buddy. Practically every woman on TV has a gay male buddy, and my housemate has at least two, and here's Marie all alone with no gay male buddy. I used to have one at boarding school, but no more. (That was also where I learned that not all gay men can apply nail polish. I had to scrape it all off and redo it myself.)

And don't think I'm being sexist; I also want a hard-core, butch lesbian friend who wears massive black boots, snorts derisively whenever a guy alludes to his penis, and goes into rants about the lack of gender-neutral pronouns in the English language and how that perpetuates the patriarchal system.

Oh, and this guy is my new hero.

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