Monday, July 25, 2005

Notes to the Famous and Infamous

Dear Peckish Pete,
You shouldn't eat people. But you did, so you have to pay the price. Three people are dead because you wanted to eat their flesh, and you are complaining about nurses throwing water on you because you think you're entitled to be treated like a celebrity? Shame on you.

Sincerely, Marie

P.S. Despite how much you may want to, I don't think that you actually devour a soul when you eat a person's brain, arm, or leg. It's that whole Descartes problem; no-one knows if or how nonphysical things are connected to physical things.
P.P.S. Does eating human flesh really make you invincible?

Dear Jay Spears,
I think its great that there's a genre called "homo-pop." If I wasn't a penniless college student, I'd buy your album Boy Howdy. I've only heard the snippets from your website, but I especially like your song "House on Fire." ("He's got a big chest like a 50-gallon drum/ call 911 and make a fireman come/ House on fire, house on fire/ We're getting on like a house on fire") Your music is peppy and fun and the innuendoes in your lyrics make me giggle.

Good luck in the music biz, Marie

To His Holiness the Pope,
You prayed to God to "convert terrorists to peace." I think that's great. But it raises a question: I and many other people have prayed and asked God for terrorists to stop killing innocent people without any significant effect. Of course, your prayers are more important to the Almighty Lord and fly directly up to his figurative Holy Ear, so surely your prayers will do the trick.

Congratulations on your recent promotion and best of luck against the infidels, Marie

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